Effing Funny Fertile Friday- Hilariously Infertile
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We are breathing life into, literally resuscitating, Effing Funny Fertile Friday. But honestly, what’s funny about infertility? Nothing at all. Unless you are able to find the humor in what is distinctly unfunny and let it rise to the top- it’s really all about perspective. Karen Jeffries, author of Hilariously Infertile: One Woman’s Inappropriate Quest to Help Women Through Infertility, has graciously allowed us to share excerpts from her book here with you. Please note that the editor’s notes (in teal for PCOS awareness) are mine as are the stars inserted into several words that I’m sure are still readable.
Drum roll, please. Here’s an introduction to Karen and then on to the funny:
Karen Jeffries is a fourth-grade dual language teacher outside of New York City. Karen struggled with infertility to conceive her two children. While on maternity leave with her second child her husband suggested that she write a book to help others. Karen laughed this off because she would not even consider herself an avid reader, let alone an author. Then one day, she started writing and about five weeks later she had a first draft that is exceptionally similar to the final copy of what Hilariously Infertile: One Woman's Inappropriate Quest to Help Women Through Infertility is today. Infertility is hard, sad, and isolating; but Karen Jeffries is on a mission to help women laugh a little through the process.
Note from the editor- from chapter two:
So, as I said, I had been on the pill for about a decade. After a lot of conversation, and my husband pushing back, he finally gave in. We decided that we were going to stop the pill and just “see what happens” (again total bullshit because the minute that we decided to start “trying” to get pregnant I already wanted to be pregnant). It was July 2011. I was hoping I would get pregnant quickly because I’m a school teacher and I wanted to plan it so I could have a spring baby, take my maternity leave, and go back to work in September without disruption.
My first real pearl of wisdom for girls trying to get pregnant is: forget the calendar. Do not try to plan what month you will give birth. It just will not happen. It is a pointless activity and it will only lead you to stress out when you realize you missed your “optimal birth month window,” which, by the way, there is no “optimal birth month window.” It will happen when it happens, and it will totally rock the sh*t out of your world for both good and for bad, regardless of which month it happens.
We were officially “trying.” We were having unprotected sex all the time. Weeks and months went by and I was not getting my period. So, I was pregnant, right? I was having a lot of unprotected sex, putting pillows under my ass after it. Sex. Put your feet up. Sex, raise your ass. Sex, lie down and think about swimming sperm.
**Cut to Finding Nemo: Dory: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming**
Sex. Sex. Sex. (Apologies again to my mother and my mother-in-law.)
Note from the editor- jumping ahead in chapter two:
That Christmas break was hard for me. I called the fertility clinic and left a million messages. Apparently, they shut the laboratory down around Christmas, so no one could help me right away. As soon as they were back open in January, I had an appointment.
They told me it was because I was “persistent,” which is code for I annoyed the f*ck out of them and they finally just gave me an appointment to shut me up.
Note from editor- here are a few favorite one-liners:
PCOS stands for Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. It is kind of a good thing because it means I have a ton of eggs, like a farm’s worth of eggs- think Costco.
The doctor gave me a pelvic exam, feet in stirrups, vagina feeling the fresh fertility clinic air on her lips.
Once again, and I say, “once again,” because during fertility treatment you are constantly in this position, my legs were up, and the doctor was neck-deep in my vag. Yes please, everyone this is my vagina. Vagina, this is the entire freaking world, and their mother, and sister, and med student, and whoever else wants to take a trip down my va-jay-jay lane.
THE FIRST RULE OF THE FERTILITY CLINIC IS THAT YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE fertility clinic. The second rule of the fertility clinic is that you DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE FERTILITY CLINIC!
I walked in and that was the moment I realized, holy shit, everyone is infertile.
Light pressure? The tip of the wand that inserted into my vaginal canal is practically touching my hip bone. MY HIP BONE. Think about it people, that is like some crazy Cirque Du Soleil shit. Not really my idea of “light pressure.”
My idea of funny is this book. At RMA of Connecticut, we were literally laughing out loud, from the very first page- here’s how it starts and why we were laughing:
Hello Ladies! (OH, AND HELLO TO THE FEW “SUPPORTIVE” MEN WHO WERE bullied into reading this book). I am infertile, and no one likes to talk about it. If you are infertile, you are not alone. Let me start at the beginning, I was born on…HA! Just kidding, that book would suck. No, let’s start at the other beginning….
Our advice? Read the book, the book jacket is featured below. We’re considering a book club on the book in the new year. Tell us what you think!
If you enjoyed a smile or a giggle or an outright laugh (or if you were like me and had tears rolling down your face) at these excerpts, here are more Effing Funny Fertile Fridays from RMA of Connecticut.
We also encourage you to follow Karen Jeffries', "Hilariously Infertile" pages, so here's the link to do so:
About Lisa Rosenthal
Lisa has over thirty years of experience in the fertility field. After her personal infertility journey, she felt dissatisfied with the lack of comprehensive services available to support her. She was determined to help others undergoing fertility treatment. Lisa has been with RMACT for eleven years and serves as Patient Advocate and the Strategic Content Lead.
Lisa is the teacher and founder of Fertile Yoga, a program designed to support men and women on their quest for their families through gentle movement and meditation.
Lisa’s true passion is supporting patients getting into treatment, being able to stay in treatment and staying whole and complete throughout the process. Lisa is also a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, which is helpful in her work with fertility patients.
Her experience also includes working with RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association and The American Fertility Association (now Path2Parenthood), where she was Educational Coordinator, Conference Director and Assistant Executive Director.