Pissed to Be Pregnant With Twins? Who's Judging Them? Not Me!
Pregnant with Twins: One Couple's Reaction
Bear with me, there’s a blog out there that I want to comment on concerning IVF and twins. Namely, the blog about a couple who is pregnant with twins and are “pissed off” about it. Being me, I have a few things I want to say first.
Becoming pregnant and having a safe and healthy delivery and beautiful baby afterwards.
Those are the goals when you are up against infertility issues.
A lot of us go through a period of wishing, hoping, and even praying for twins.
You have your baby. And your baby has its sibling.
And so you’re done.
Some of us stay in that phase and are thrilled when that is what comes to pass. Two babies at the same time. Twins.
Many of us move on to feeling that one at a time, or simply one is a safer, healthier, even saner choice.
IVF and Twins: Elective Single Embryo Transfer (ESET)
Certainly the infertility field and most board-certified reproductive endocrinologists and fertility programs are moving away from multiples with elective single embryo transfer (ESET). There are many reasons why conceiving, carrying and delivering a single baby is preferable to multiples.
Main reason: it’s safer for baby and mom. The outcome is more predictable with just one at a time.
Really. We all know this.
Thank goodness so many twins and multiples are born healthy and strong and vital. And that so many moms make it through just fine as well. That’s a huge comfort for any of us carrying more than one. Good prenatal care, eating properly, exercising moderately, sleeping and listening to your doctor’s advice carefully will help ensure a good outcome.
This is the longest preamble in history to talk about the blog on CNNHealth yesterday.
Here’s a quote from the dad to be: "To say we're excited would be an exaggeration," the dad wrote on Babble.com in an anonymous post that recently started trending on social media. "More truthfully, we're pissed. And terrified, and angry, and guilty, and regretful."
I know this is not politically correct. I know that we’re all supposed to be happy and thrilled because there’s a healthy, on-going pregnancy and that infertility has been conquered. I know that those of us who are still not pregnant could feel really resentful and angry towards this couple for speaking out about their upset.
I want to send them a thank you note.
What I have learned about human nature is that we are not unique. Well, we are, of course. We are all individuals and have our own DNA and personalities. Of course we do.
We also have a lot more in common with every other human being on earth than we do with any other species.
That’s a lot to have in common.
And in my humble opinion, there are folks out there that are relieved that this couple opened their mouths and said what they were not comfortable saying. Because it’s not politically correct or okay. And they said it anyway. They have voiced what some of us may have felt when we found out that there was more than one gestation.
That they’re scared. And upset. And maybe they would have preferred childfree to two at one time.
I thank them because if it relieves guilt and shame for other people pregnant with more than one, then that’s a good deed.
Pregnancy Emotions and Honest Admissions
Admitting to mixed or even negative feelings is not easy to do. But it’s honest. And it’s not a predictor, by the way, about how they will do as parents. Feelings aren’t reality. Feelings can pass. They can change and shift, especially with the help of a mental health professional.
Many of us are thrilled to become pregnant with multiples.
But not all of us.
And for those of us who are not, I applaud this couple for speaking so frankly about what others may not want to say. It can relieve the shame and guilt of these feelings.
So please, let’s not judge them. They’re not asking you to feel differently. And they are entitled to how they feel and to say it out loud. I know it’s hard to hear. Still, they have the right to say it.
More tomorrow on how to make choices and avoid situations that truly are not right for you.
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About Lisa Rosenthal
Lisa has over thirty years of experience in the fertility field. After her personal infertility journey, she felt dissatisfied with the lack of comprehensive services available to support her. She was determined to help others undergoing fertility treatment. Lisa has been with RMACT for eleven years and serves as Patient Advocate and the Strategic Content Lead.
Lisa is the teacher and founder of Fertile Yoga, a program designed to support men and women on their quest for their families through gentle movement and meditation.
Lisa’s true passion is supporting patients getting into treatment, being able to stay in treatment and staying whole and complete throughout the process. Lisa is also a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, which is helpful in her work with fertility patients.
Her experience also includes working with RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association and The American Fertility Association (now Path2Parenthood), where she was Educational Coordinator, Conference Director and Assistant Executive Director.